In the morning with a beautiful sunshine, I and parents and good friend family set out went south Jing Gang hill is seaborne.
在一个阳光明媚的早晨，我和父母及好朋友一家人出发去了井冈南山漂流。
This makes me excited unceasingly, ground of my too impatient to wait puts on airjacket, take squirt, jump into leather oarage, such, exciting float begins!
这让我激动不已，我迫不及待地穿上救生衣，拿上水枪，跳进皮划艇，就这样，刺激的漂流开始啦！
My friend also goes aboard in succession, we delimit ahead all the way row, abrupt someone cries greatly: “ is helped up quickly firm, should fall to slope delimit! ” I turn first, see billowy brook water, had sat immediately, hold grip closely with the tremedous effort, close an eye, feel very fast to be able to spray is splashed into the eye. But when leather oarage is down very slow however, original, this is not is the big slope that splashs a spray, however one looks be like big very little however bridge is declivous. Alas, I wiped a sweat, it is false alarm so ah!出处 wWW.zuOWeNBa.nEt
我的朋友也陆续上船，我们一路向前划行，突然有人大喊：“快扶稳，要向坡下划啦！”我一转头，就看见汹涌的溪水，马上坐好，用九牛二虎之力紧紧地抓住把手，闭上眼睛，觉得很快会有水花溅进眼睛里。但皮划艇向下的时候却十分缓慢，原来，这并非是溅起水花的大坡，而是一个看似大却很小的桥下坡。唉，我抹了一把汗，原来是虚惊一场啊！
“ arrived the hour of squirt big fight! The squirt since ” my end cries aloud to friends, of ” of abrupt “ Jiu, my hind the back is wet, ah! My friend unexpectedly sneak attack I, she still is in titter. Our leather oarage before one direction, we delimit with respect to the edge the edge is hit, “ bang ” , she was hit by stranger actually! As it happens water is not deep now, underground of ” of fury of my “ have one's bosom filled with leather oarage, crouch stealthily, ” of preparative “ snipe he, I am pressed quickly, “ is breathed out, hit ” , because I betrayed a cause, he begins fire with double-barreled squirt immediately, of course we also are not abstain from eating meal, then ” of volley of 10 thousand arrows hit everybody “ that pitiful stranger, hit ” of his “ be defeated and flee, “ wins! Ground of ” our all with one voice cheers!
“到了水枪大战的时刻了！”我端起水枪对朋友们大声喊道，突然“啾”的一声，我的后背湿了，呀！我的朋友居然偷袭我，她还在偷笑呢。我们的皮划艇一路向前，我们就边划边打，“啪”，她竟然被陌生人打中了！正好现在水不深，我“满腔怒火”地下了皮划艇，悄悄蹲下来，准备“狙击”他，我快速一按，“哈哈，打中了”，由于我暴露了目标，他立马用双管水枪开始射击，当然我们也不是吃素的，于是所有人“万箭齐发”打中了那个可怜的陌生人，打得他“落荒而逃”，“胜利啦！”我们异口同声地欢呼！
A in relief illumination arrives on the body of our drop water, this is the “ pot ” of conqueror, to me, it is best the most distinctive aureate pot. A day of good end, the joyous sound of squirt big fight laughs language, also go to farther place as brook current, listen to those worried people, also can become euqally happy today like us, euqally happy!
一缕阳光照到我们滴水的身上，这就是胜利者的“奖杯”了，对我来说，是最好最独特的金色奖杯。美好的一天结束了，水枪大战的欢声笑语，也随着溪水流到更远的地方去，给那些苦恼的人们听一听，也会变得像我们今天一样快乐，一样开心！
The adviser comments on:
导师点评：
Jiang Yu 's classmate sees you this " the Jinggang Mountains is seaborne " , the teacher was affected by your literal place. I also think of over there go playing! The composition is narrative and clear, language character is vivid figure, have picture feeling quite, a series of behavioral picture more let the setting at that time present a reader at the moment. The composition drifts through be being written in the Jinggang Mountains, with young associate the happy mood of the its project oneself of a dabble. Humorous and humor language, reasonable organization is arranged, structural clarity, make composition whole very marvellous oh. The ending of the composition is very natural also, those who lending environmental depict outstanding mood is cheerful, you can be written very much. Also hope you continue to cheer, hold to writing, contend for become super young writer!
姜予珺同学看完你的这篇《井冈山漂流》，老师被你的文字所感染了。我也想到那里去玩一玩呢！作文叙事清晰，语言文字生动形象，颇有画面感，一系列的动作描写更让当时的场景呈现读者眼前。作文通过写在井冈山漂流，与小伙伴一起玩水的事情表现自己的开心的心情。幽默风趣的语言，合理的组织安排，结构清晰，使得作文整体而言很棒哦。作文的结尾也很自然，借着环境描写突出心情的愉悦，你很会写哦。也希望你继续加油，坚持写作，争做超级小作家！